By RF Schatten
There were many good stories about Politics in 2011...some very sad, some very inspiring, some very, very serious, and others...well! others, very stupid and extremely funny!! Which brings me to the 2011 Class of Republican Presidential Candidates. This could have been a very serious matter, with very important issues that could make or brake a candidate, and elevate an individual to possibly become the next President of the United States...but, as the days, weeks, and months past by...and a marathon of GOP Presidential Debates ensued, you just couldn't help but feel, that this whole exercise of Democracy in action, has been one great giant... “put on”.
If you are a political junkie, or someone who just wants to be able to look at the issues and the the people who might someday be the Leaders of the Free World...you would stay tuned to the election cycle's Presidential Debates, by either or both Parties...debates by both sides before the Presidential Primaries, has become part of Americana.
2011 was no different...except, a funny thing happened on the way to the primaries. The Democratic Party, because being the Party in power...and a sitting President ready to take the challenge of all comers...didn't need to participate in that exercise. So, it was up to the GOP, to pick who was going to be their Candidate to challenge the President. And before you can blink, a slew of Candidates were declaring their intention...at least 4 of them, jumped into the race because “God told me to run”...obviously, God must have a sense of humor...since he is “Almighty”, and you're not suppose to question his word, he must have been fucking with the minds with 3 of them.
From the start, the field of Presidential wannabees appeared as if they were a casting call for a Cecil B. DeMille epic!! You had enough people exploring or declaring their candidacy, that the entire Roman Legion in Cleopatra, would look minuscule compared to this field!
In all seriousness...there was nothing serious about the 2011 GOP Class. In fact, they resembled not a class of political candidates, but a mix of the classes in “Welcome Back Kotter” and “Saved by the Bell”. What this “Class” resembles, is a Cast of Clowns, right out of a 3 Ring Circus, which is what many writers and commentators call it...I call it: “The Freak Show”!!
Trying to pick who to start with, is difficult, so I'll just start with the 1st Clown Freak...and he was dressed for the part...orange face and all...Donald Trump. With “The Donald”, there was nothing really funny about him, except his artificial tan. The only semblance of fun he could be associated with, was that he “was” a joke. He said he could deal with any foreign power, by simply telling them; “This is what I'm going to do...and you better line up with me or else”. Not much for diplomacy, and apparently, not much for the GOP...he dropped out soon...he had a choice of running for President or continue his reality show, “The Apprentice”...the GOP pretty much said to him: “You're Fired!!” His excuse was, that he really never formally decided to run.
Next, was a speech in New Hampshire...by another very scholarly member of the Class of 2011...Michele Bachmann. This Lady, not only professes to be a college graduate...but someone who is extremely patriotic. During her speech, she mentions how proud she is, in being in the Cradle of the American Revolution...Concord, NH!! “That's Concord, Mass” said an old friend of mine, from my days in NH. She continued as if nothing happened. “That's Concord, Mass”...he continued, “This is Cancard, New Hammshaa” he said in your typical Upper New England accent. She thought they were smiling, because they liked her speech...they were really laughing, because they saw a Lady running for President, who knew American History, worse than my 12 year old grandson...BTW, he does know American History...better than her. So did the Teenage Girl, who wanted to debate her. Then came “that” moment in Iowa, as she mentioned how proud she was being in the hometown of that great American, John Wayne...she got part of the name right...except, it was, a not so great American...serial killer John Wayne Gacy. There are so many more stories on our Welfare Queen, but just, not enough space for all of them.
We move on to the god ol' Texas Cowboy...Gov. Rick Perry, the Oops! Guy of the Republican Party. First, he could only remember 2 of the 3 Depts of the Government that he wanted to “Cut”...he just couldn't remember the 3rd...pretty sorry, when those 3 cuts is a major portion of his very own plan. He just couldn't remember his own plan!!! His only remark, when that happened, during a Debate, was...Oops!!!!!! Then came an interview in which he couldn't remember the name of the SCOTUS Justice that he was criticizing...you might call that, another Ooops moment. But the strangest and funniest moment for this man, was in New Hampshire...when he spoke, and appeared to act...oh well!, a little strange you might say. Bill Maher, commented that he once said, that what Rick Perry needed to do was to take some Magic Mushroom... “Well! I never expected him to take me literally”. He did look a little giddy...as they said back in the 60s and 70s; “He must have taken some Windowpane” Well Rick! OOPS!!!!!
There are so many, many moments. Herman “The Pizza Man” Cain, wanted to be President, but his knowledge of Government was not to Par...he didn't know much about the Constitution...when asked about a controversial Constitutional Amendment, which he wanted passed, he said; “As soon as this Amendment passes...I will signed it immediately”. By the way, Mr. Cain...you don't sign Constitutional Amendments, once they are ratified by the States, they become Law!!! And then came the moment of “Uzbecky Becky Becky Stan Stan” , which he said; don't know where it is, who cares. Well, Uzbekistan happens to be the country from which the US Military uses to send its weapons over to Afghanistan. “Well, since as President, I'll have people to do that...I don't need to know where it is. Let's just say, that Foreign Policy, would not have been his strength...now, Family Values? Cain ran as a very deeply religious man, with Morality and Family Values as his strength. Then came the scandals...women after women... “Never heard of them” he pretty much said, “well! maybe I did know that person, but I was never involved in technical issues like Lawyers and Lawsuit Settlements”. Then his mistress of 13 years, Ginger White, came out...oh!!!! I thought we were just friends?”. It turned out that Herman Cain, Deeply Religious Family Man, was just a dirty old philanderer.
There are many stories in this Naked City of Presidential Wannabees, and we cannot cover them all...so I'll end this with one more Candidate...actually, someone who still not a candidate...the Reality Show version of Michele Bachmann...Sarah Palin. Like Bachman, another not too serious student of American History, as we all found out that Paul Revere was signaling the British, that the Americans were waiting to get them??? Sarah!!! Paul Revere was warning the Americans that the British were coming, not to the British, that the Americans were coming!! But, she just Winked and Smiled, and went on her Merry way, without ever acknowledging her mistake. NOW!! the grand finish for the Hockey Mom...she said, if the GOP Convention becomes brokered, she might just decide to enter the competition!!...because she can beat Obama!!
So, I'll end this little tale of Stupids, with what could be the funniest thought of all. The only person, not acting ridiculous throughout these debates and campaign stumps, has been Jon Huntsman...the only Candidate who has remained a gentleman, and looking like a real statesman. Huntsman, may very well be the only candidate who can seriously give Barack Obama, a run for his money. But, because he is an Honorable, Decent, and Respected Human Being and Politician...he is in last place. He is not stupid, and since stupid is as stupid does...the Grand Old Tea Party, will pick the stupidest person they can find.